What’s the quickest way an attractive person can move down from an 8 to a 5 on a 1-10 scale? Being Jealous! So many people do not even realize that the very things they think are normal, like being jealous in a relationship, are in fact the things that make you dispensable to the person you are dating. This may come as a surprise to many of you since so many people explain their jealousy issues to me as the sign that they care. To that, I say Ugh!
Starting the relationship with an A+
When it comes to dating, it all starts with physical attraction. I’m sorry, many people want to disagree with that or say it is shallow, but its the truth. You might start with great internal qualities while looking for a friend, but when you are looking to date someone, it starts with your eyes dilating when you look at them. The first time you see that person you are in awe of whatever it is that is making you attracted to them. Then you start talking and hopefully the person is engaging, this just ups your opinion of them immediately.
So let’s assume you started as a 7 on the attraction scale to your love interest. Then you quickly move up to an 8 because they enjoy your conversation. Next dating begins with a person who has a high opinion of you. I correlate it to starting with an A in class and it is up to you not to lower your grade. Since you are just starting to date, everything is exciting. Even little things that would get on a married couple’s nerves, is just laughable to your new love interest. But then your past relationship experiences start interfering with your current opportunity and jealousy enters the ring.
Check out this podcast episode from Taboo Tales and see just how out of control jealousy can make you.
The first signs of you being jealous may not even be noticed because the person is excited that you like them. It just seems as if you are showing real interest and this is just what we all want from people we are also interested in. Then you start frequently asking questions like this regarding the opposite sex:
How do you know her/him?
Did you ever date?
Why didn’t you answer the phone when I called?
What were you doing?
What exact time did you fall asleep?
When is the last time you spoke to your ex?
Are you just friends with them because you wanted it or did they make the decision?
Why can’t I go with you?
What were the names of everyone at the event?
Why do you have 2 phones?
Then you start overly paying attention to things like:
A phone faced down
How private they are with personal information such as emails & text
Why there are 2 dirty glasses in the kitchen
The closet door that is always closed
A car parked in front of their place
How long they take to respond to your text
Now the combination of your thoughts plus the questions being asked are telling this person that had a very high opinion of you that you are jealous. So that high score of 8 you started with, is starting to creep lower and lower making you dispensable.
The root of a jealous person is that they are insecure. Any smart person knows that insecurity comes from an internal feeling that you are lacking in some way. Many insecure people don’t realize where this insecurity stems from, but for some reason it is there. If I am dating someone and they start showing signs of insecurity that I didn’t notice before, I start wondering what is it that I’m not seeing yet. And now my fantastic prospect starts looking very average and thus dispensable.
Oh No, they are damaged. I’ve had several conversations with people who are experiencing a relationship with a jealous person and a common concern is that the person is damaged from previous relationships or even worse, childhood. Now we all have problems and that is acceptable, but a jealous person takes their problems and channels it toward the person they are dating. Every time I get accused of something that I have never done or created an environment of insecurity around, I ask the person I am dating where this is coming from. Many times the answer is something like ” Well my ex did that to me”. This always makes me start singing the song by Musiq Soulchild, Previous Cats. The main chorus of the song says,
I’m not to blame for the pain that was caused by previous cats Who had your heart before me
. Because at the end of the day, no one wants to pay the price of another person’s actions.
3. You’re the Cheater
Now just think about it, you are dating a person with a high opinion of you. This person is loyal, not creating an unsafe environment (This is what I define as an environment when a person is giving you reasons to question their loyalty or honesty), but your jealousy issues are causing you to accuse the person of things they are not doing. If this person is smart, they are going to start to think that you are actually the cheater. Thieves think everyone is trying to steal from them because that’s how their mind works. They steal and thus other people must be doing the same thing. So if you are a cheater, you probably notice all the opportunities when you would be cheating and now you think the person you are dating is doing the same.
Now you may be thinking, but I’m not cheating, it is just that other people have done that to me before #damaged. Regardless of if you are really cheating or not, we are only left with 2 choices to assume: you’re the cheater or you’re insecure. The fact that you are creating a negative environment with no facts lowers your worth and creeps you one step closer to being dispensable.
If you are having jealous feelings about the person you are dating, you can’t be happy. When has anyone ever smiled and said: “Things are great, I think the person I am dating is cheating on me :)”? I’d say never! If anything, there are either tears, feelings of un-comfortability, sadness, and/or a state of unhappiness. The visions you are creating in your mind that are causing you to act jealous are not only giving you these feelings but also causing the person you are dating to be unhappy in the relationship. Who wants to date someone who is unhappy with them all the time? Especially if it is for no reason. We date to be happy. We get excited to spend time with that person we are attracted to both physically and spiritually. But now this person is causing problems, staying unhappy and just become less and less attractive.
I believe that we only live once. If I am correct, why should I spend a significant portion of my life being unhappy because of another person’s issues? All the things I thought were so great about you start to flee. You can’t be great if you are alway unhappy. Even if I don’t know the root cause of your unhappiness, it is very clear that there is a problem and it is with you!
The more unhappy you become and the more your insecurities rise, you become difficult to deal with. You can’t help it. Your mind controls your actions and if you are being jealous over everything, you make things difficult for the person you think is causing these feelings. Now you are questioning and second guessing everything that they say. You start arguments when you are supposed to be having a good time. Just think, you are on your way out on a date and at the start of your enjoyable evening, you ask your date about a phone call they received and why that person was contacting them. All they want to do is have a good time tonight, but now they have to defend themselves. Do you think it feels good to be falsely accused? If you do, go read some article about exonerated prisoners and you will find out how bad it really feels.
But this is how you are making the person you care about feel. You are making them feel like someone in prison for something they did not do. Getting an attitude if they are late or if they hang with their friends or if they have a business meeting or if someone decides to call their phone. I mean if you wanted to date someone with no friends, no work, and didn’t get calls, then that’s who you should have dated. A shy introvert with no job and no enough money to pay for a phone, but of course you are not attracted to that person. You are attracted to the person that other people like, call, and want to be around. But this type of person does not want a difficult life. They want to experience life the way it was when you first met and you were smiling and excited to spend time with them. Now, when they escape from your company, every person of the opposite sex they meet simply feels easy. And if everyone else is easy, where does that put you?
6. Not Fun
We date and have relationships with a person because we enjoy that person’s company. If you are fun to be around, I want to be around you more. But if jealousy controls your mind, you start subtracting the fun from the relationship. Every good time opportunity turns into frustrating experience. Have you ever been around kids and you pick them up or swirl them around? You see this big smile on their face and they say “more” or “again”. It’s because they are having fun and want it to continue. I think most of us still have that inner kid in us, at least the happy people do. We want to experience good times and find the best in every situation.
But this is impossible if you always worrying about what could be happening. You start comparing yourself to every other person they know. Even at fun events, you are feeling uncomfortable because you think there is something you don’t know about some of their friendships. This leads to more questions and basically taking all the fun away from the event because they have to walk on eggshells just to keep you happy. Yet, you are still going to be unhappy because you are jealous and insecure.
Jealous people often start treating the object of their jealousy mean. Since jealousy makes you feel like that person is doing something negative to you, you start being reciprocal in your head, but its all in your head. So you could have a person that cares about you, likes spending time with you, and you are being mean to them. Eventually, this person has got to wonder what they did to deserve this treatment. If the answer is nothing, then your actions will lead to a lower opinion of you in their head.
A woman I know told me a story about how her boyfriend was acting so jealous and mean for no reason. She complained how much it bothered her that he did not trust her. But what bothered her more was that his insecurity caused him to start being mean to her. It made her think to herself “Why am I being loyal to this person who already assumes I’m doing cheating?” She tried to break-up with him but he wasn’t having that. Then one day another guy was nice to her and was flirting. She told me that usually, she wouldn’t have given that guy the time of day, but since her boyfriend had been so mean to her that day and already accuses her of cheating all the time, she cheated on him.
8. Complicated Life
There is nothing worse than the thought that your life will be more complicated because of your romantic partner. A romantic relationship is supposed to improve one’s life. It should be the joining of two half-lived lives that combine into one fulfilled life together. But this is not the case when one of those parties is jealous. Regardless how great you think you are or what they thought when you first started dating, jealousy has entered and is causing life be more difficult.
When it comes to men getting married, one of the biggest fears is that they will have a more complicated life once they take that step. If he is already happy with his life, he is looking for someone to complete is happiness by bringing value.
When it comes to women, many say they are looking for a romantic partner that loves and supports her. She fears someone who will try to control her and will stop growing mentally.
The act of being jealous prevents you from accomplishing the needs of your partner rather they are a man or a woman. You can’t be jealous and meet the needs of a quality human being that doesn’t suffer from your sickness.
stop providing value
be in opposition of their objectives
try to control them
All of these will lead to a complicated life and a resentment toward you. That “8” score you once held has drastically dropped. No matter how good looking you are or how fun you use to be, being jealous has lowered you to a 5 on the scale. And what is a 5 on a 1-10 scale? You got it, Average.
9. Just Average
Wow, we are all the way here. You are just an average person now. Remember those first dates and the person was so interested in you? They enjoyed spending time with you, they thought you were a gift from God. But now, because all the issues that come along with being jealous, you are dispensable. Once you become dispensable, it is very easy to find someone at your level and most likely higher. All a person needs to do to replace you is be confident and fun. Being in the company of someone who is not constantly accusing them of cheating, flirting, or being disloyal, will be like a breath of fresh air.
Let us think about dating and relationships as a whole. Half the battle is getting someone interested in spending time with you. So why are so many people ruining their relationships when they already did half the work? All you need to do is stay interesting, stay exciting, stay fun, stay happy, and make the idea of a life with you seem uncommonly awesome! Don’t let the experiences someone has with you become unsatisfying, simply because you can’t control being jealous. Be the best you can be and that’s not average because average is dispensable.
Don’t be Dispensable, Seek Help
So if you notice you are doing these things and making yourself dispensable, seek help. Don’t fall deeper into that rabbit hole which will only lead to an unhappy life. Find out what is causing you to be jealous. Not the surface problem, but what is the root of your issue. Then work on it and you will have better relationships and have a higher worth to the people you are dating.
Always remember that a person will not leave what they know they will not find again!